Thursday, September 12, 2019

When you actually start looking at reality, I know what is going on!  I very much, know!
I made this little road sign, just to put it all in perspective.

I'm noticing changes, that are telling me this thing has got me.  Pain under my rib cage, on the right side.  Getting harder to gain weight, and keep it on.  Fatigue.

I'm just saying, realistically.  I really don't have much choice as to which road, I will go down.  I just know!

Thursday, September 5, 2019

Amazing how things change on this Cancer, roller coaster ride.  Got the final round of radiation today.  

We went in for my Y-90 consultation yesterday and it's a go, and they have great confidence that it will stretch things a bit. 

What is Y90?

Radioembolization requires at least two treatment sessions. The first session is a mapping angiogram, where a catheter is passed into the liver artery from the groin and angiography is used to “map out” all the arteries in the liver circulation. At this time, any arteries passing from the liver circulation to non-target structures, such as the stomach or bowel, can be embolized (blocked off) with coils, to prevent radiation damage to these organs. A test will also be done to confirm that there is not shunting of blood flow through the liver into the lungs. The second session is the delivery of the radiation into the liver cancer. The radiation is in the form of a radioactive isotope called Yttrium-90 or Y-90, which is fixed onto tiny glass or resin particles. Once a microcatheter is placed into the artery supplying the cancer, angiography is performed to confirm appropriate position, and the radioactive microspheres are injected into the artery. The blood flow in the artery carries the particles into the cancer, where they lodge and release the radiation directly into the tumor. The radiation causes death of the cancer cells over the next 1-3 months.

The mapping process will take place very soon, and after that, we are taking a trip out west to do some photography, then I'll get the actual treatment.

This will be my last resort, but, why not try.

Tuesday, September 3, 2019

Been Posting a bit these days, but todays, is not the best news, for me at least.
Got my third shot of radiation today, with two more to go.
Then, The Doctor has a special session with me.
I knew it was coming, and it is.  They have determined that there is nothing more than they can do.  5 Mets to The Liver, and several that are expanding rapidly on my abdomen wall, which is starting to build up a fluid of some sort.
I guess that's it, as they gave me two months!
One might think, then, that would be IT!
Well, Kids, It's It When I Say It!
We're going on vacation next week and going to do a little traveling, photography, and home movie making.
I suppose your thinking this is a terrible outcome.
I knew from the beginning, this wasn't going to be cured.

That's Why I Wrote This

When I Get The 

Green Light

With all that said, I do it with a smile.

Monday, September 2, 2019

Ahhh, Yes!
Made it to labor day, and of course, have been laboring around the house.  Put a new screen on the bedroom window, and I will say, who ever invented the DIY, screen kit, was a pathetic engineer.  Nothing fit, and the plastic corners broke instantly.  With a little McGyvering, got it done.

Took the first two rounds of radiation last week, at The UW Carbone center.  That place is incredible and they know what they are doing.  I have three more to go starting tomorrow.  The treatment was so easy, but I did find myself very tired, which I think is common.
I've gotten used to the morphine twice a day, which I'm aware, that may come back and bite me one day, but hopefully after the radiation, I will be able to stop taking it.

Yeap, it's cancer, and all in all, there are worse things in life.  Fighting in a war, maybe being in prison, yeah there are worse things.  I look at it this way, it's just another adventure, and I think, if a person doesn't have an ongoing adventure, then what's the point.

Happy Labor Day, everybody, or what ever you might be celebrating today.  If you have nothing to celebrate, try life.  You might find that celebration, very refreshing.

Of course, we might, just be doing a little faster than some.

Till Next Time

Your Friend; 
Kelley McGuiness

Sunday, August 18, 2019

I must admit, my attitude has changed drastically.
After a year and a half of doctors telling me what is going to happen, and in some cases, when it's going to happen, I'm listening anymore.  40 MG of morphine/day might help that a bit.  I do have a rather obtuse personality.
One day my weight got, at least to me, critically low.  I have realized that I am eating to healthy.  So, I go out, have a great big burger, fries, you know, stuff that will hurt you, or so they say.  It worked, and now I do this occasionally.  The weight is coming back.
The medication?  Listen to the doctors, but regulate yourself to what works, and is comfortable.
Chemo?  Well that didn't work, it apparently did nothing, except make somebody a lot of money.
With this all said, I am recommending a, low dose of radiation to minimize this tumor that is right there.  The doctors seem to agree.
Although, I'm retired now, I still work around the house, vigorously, and yes, sometimes to the point of straining a bit, and I still feel good.
I just, and quite suddenly, realized, I'm my own doctor.
Why?   Because it's seems to be working, and if it works, then, why not?
I'm not listening anymore, I'm doing!

Saturday, July 27, 2019

I finally have a Doctor that is listening to my concerns.  The lump on my stomach, turns out to be a tumor that is expanding to the point where it can be seen.  Let me tell you, it hurts too.  My primary care Doctor is taking this very seriously and is putting me on Palliative care and the Oncologist have given me a prescription of Morphine Sulfate  (15 mg) for the pain.  At this point we are discussing radiation to try and knock out this particular tumor.  I'll keep you all posted as to what is next.

Sunday, July 21, 2019

I can't believe Summer has gone by this fast, then of course working didn't help that.  I solved that issue, several weeks ago by retiring.  I didn't need the stress of all of that, and am feeling almost human again.
I haven't been talking about the cancer problem much recently either.  At this point, there doesn't seem much use in caring anymore.  I will tell you some of the things that have been happening.
Back in June, my Oncologist told me that the Folfox treatment wasn't working, and the tumors on the Liver were expanding.  Funny, you think that they might have realized that after a year, then again, I wonder if they had time to bother.  The thing is, I'm being treated by residents that move on as fast as Donald Trumps Cabinet Members.
With that said, my last Oncologist, in May, put me on a new drug called, Irinotecan.  By the way, while I was on this drug, my cancer marker, or CEA, went from 45 to 100 in 4 weeks.  Now this drug is evil.  I was getting severe stomach cramping, headaches, etc...  After 8 weeks of this I voiced my concern to The Doctor, he said what I was going thru was normal.
Then one day in his office, he told me they were stopping the chemo all together.  He looked at me with a frown, and said, there is nothing we can do for you anymore.  We had told him we were taking an extended vacation in September, and he smiled.  "I wouldn't wait if I were you!"  Oh, that's just great to hear.  Then he started going into details about what my last days would be like.
He had no encouragement at all, and quickly left the room, I would imagine, to ruin someone else's day.  He did prescribe a drug called, Lonsurf.  This drug has been on the market a few months, and the clinical trials, showed that it was no better than a placebo.   It must be good for something as it costs $13,000/month.
Who the hell are these Doctors and Pharmacists that come up with this crap.  All along, I had been complaining about a lump under my incision.  It's a very painful little beast.  One doctor says it's a tumor, and the others say not to worry about it.  I haven't seen any of my CT Scans through this whole thing.  I'm beginning to wonder if there is anything wrong at all, other than what they are telling me.
Alex Trebek recently shared his devastating cancer diagnosis with fans. In March 2019, the 78-year-old revealed that he has stage 4 pancreatic cancer.  Your basically doomed if you get that diagnosis, but strangely he announced remission a month later.
These are all things I have been thinking about for the past months.

Friday, May 24, 2019

May 24., 2019

You fight your Cancer with everything you have, but Cancer is only part of the battle.

It seems that way in the beginning, on that first day, The VA, choose my path.  Just after they discovered that my colon had ruptured, I was sent by ambulance to UW Health, in Madison, Wisconsin.  As it turned out, The VA had no hospital beds available, so I was put up overnight at UW Health, then the next morning, was moved to The VA, ninth floor surgery area.

Several months later I received a call from UW Health advising me to pay my bill for the overnight stay.  As it appears, Th VA didn't pay the bill, because UW Health charged them twice.  Now, I'm getting threatening calls from UW Health about none payment.  The VA said everything was taken care of.
It's beginning to become apparent to me, that Bureaucracy has thrown me under the bus, as due to both's incompetence, my credit rating is about to take a hit.  Boy, talk about kicking a guy when he's down.
There are so many other things that fall on you during treatment.  My job is sympathetic, but when it comes down to not feeling good occasionally, due to Chemo, they become like a pack of wet cats, annoyed that they have a little extra work to do.  It's not extra work, it's the things they should have been doing anyways.
It appears, the longer you live, the more of a burden you become.
In all actuality, it's about their problem with dealing with it. I guess they would have been more comfortable if I had just passed in the two months I was given by The Doctors.
The hospitals are batting me around like a volleyball, and others around me are wondering why I have made it so long.
Sadly, the stress of all this is getting to me, and am considering, stopping my treatments and letting nature take it's course.
Why am I saying all this?  It's simple!  I'm growing weary of the fight to survive.
Just recent thoughts about all this.

Tuesday, April 16, 2019

April 16, 2019  (12 months past my expiration date)

The Saga, continues.  It is a saga of sorts.  We call this winter The WWW.  Wicked Weather Wednesday.  Every Chemo session presented impassible roads, so I missed 4 sessions.

My little cancer buddies took advantage of that, and grew their little civilization, beyond what we had compromised on.  I warned them, now I'm going to kill them.

I go on to round two, Folfiri, to battle this.  It's a different drug cocktail, with different side effects.

Let's be honest here.  I'm not going to win.  That day will come, sooner or later, as it is designed, But I want to tell you something.  I have two families.  My Wife, who has been by my side through this whole ordeal, while battling her own cancer issues.

Our motto is:

 Your either, By My Side

On My Side

Or, Just in The Way

I am fortunate to have a second family.  My Employer.  They have been my family too.  By my side always, and On My Side, always.

Without these people, I wouldn't have made it this long.

As I approach that finish line, they have given me a blessing, I hope other also receive.

Love, Compassion, and Understanding.

As I travel on to the next part of this grand adventure, I'll, live and learn, with the knowledge, that I never gave up.

Then, again, I'm still here.  If your looking to jump in my place in line, hold off.  I might surprise  you.


Thursday, March 7, 2019

Finally back on Chemo after a three session delay due to weather. I have one more Folfox session after this one,and a CT scan next week. At that point my medical team is going to decide the next course. They mentioned pills, or just an observation stage.I think they are puzzled after 16 sessions that I'm still working and taking on some very intense tasks, without getting too tired. I'm very conviced, I'm not in remission, as stage 4 colon cancer doesn't typically, just go away. What a ride this has been. All I can hope is working as hard as I have, is scaring my little cancer buddies into the unemploment line. One never knows, as we are all different. That's todays episode, so stay turned, as my show hasn't been cancelled yet. Love to all of you.


Monday, February 25, 2019

 Feb,25, 2019
Time Marches on, and to the surprise to a lot of people, so do I.
Lovely, Wisconsin , weather.  I've missed three chemo sessions due to it.  The Nurses and The Doctors are just trying to help me, so they say.  Then why have the roads been impassable.
My little cancer buddies understand.  Still working full time, and getting a lot of exercise.
My cancer buddies know.  If I die, then so do they.  I'm just getting along with them.
I realize, they are symbiotes, am I'm a host.  I think, we get along.
I feel great!
Ahhhh, where am I these days?
I feed those live, cancer cells, good bourbon, and the lung nodules, some good home grown smoke.
The only ones that are pissed might be the pharmaceuticals who aren't making money off me.
Then let them starve, like I care.
How do I do this?  I just don't give a shit.
I like my little cancer buddies.  They make me realize who I am, and they know, they have to wear a toolbelt in my body.
Damn, this is a fun adventure.
To those chemical companies, that are so aware !
Your gonna have to do a lot more to get me.
Gimme your best shot!
Live long, and prosper, for another year!

Saturday, February 9, 2019

Cancer is a lot like us. It forms communties, grows and spreads, as we do. It forms a symbiotic relationship with us. It resents another species that competes with it. It very similar to all of us, except it stays together and works as a team. We, on the other hand, fight amongst ourselves waging war against other communities. Imagine, if we had the power to act as they do. We would all stick together, expand, fight our enemies, and simply survive. Those little cancer cells, might know something, we don't. It's called, self preservation.

Friday, October 19, 2018

Feb 8 2018   I have Stage 4 Metastatic Colon Cancer.  They say it's terminal.  

Please use the side bar to the right to read the stories as this whole thing progresses

Before you get started, this is not a prank or a joke, this is as serious as it gets.
Sponsored By:  The Pharmaceutical Companies, Hospitals that give Chemo Erroneously, The FDA, Pesticide Companies, and Companies that create GMO's
You gave it to me! Now take it away.
The Green Light  When My Time Comes
I'll write this till Kelley feels up to it.

One forgets sometimes what others go through if you life cruises along without many issues but things can change so fast.
I'll, do this in the time frame that is as it's happening, and as I write, hopefully, the story will continue.
This had become more of a diary and now that I know more about what I actually have I will be able to explain the treatments.  The newest entries will be at the bottom of the page.

It started Thursday Feb 8,  2018 Kelley woke up for work at 8 AM with severe stomach cramps. Figuring it was gas, or something we ate. He elected to call into work.  He slept most of the day and didn't have any appetite.  The next morning (Friday) he woke up with the same issues, but was vomiting, which he never does.  About 1 PM we called the Tomah, Wisconsin, VA, who recommended that we get to a local hospital immediately. 
The Doctor was not with the VA and after doing several tests Including a CT Scan concluded that is was colon cancer.
Kelley was transported to UW Health, next door to the VA.  The next morning he was taken to The Madison VA for preop.  There was very little consultation before the operation other than the usual warnings and release signing.  The procedure started at noon on Saturday and lasted about 2.5 hours.  He opened his eyes in ICU about 3PM Saturday.  At that point he was taken from an ICU recovery room to a double Inpatient recovery room, where in my opinion things started going wrong.
I'm posting this many months later.
I'm still not sure but, my surgeon was a lovely young lady who I owe my life to.  Today I wonder:  I have no scar, and had very little pain in the following weeks.  I would like to smile at her, and thank her for all she has done, to a stranger in need.  How can one thank a person with such skill and dedication.
The recovery process
The first night probably went as could be expected.  Constant Vitals, Blood draws and IV's.  From what I know, the IV,s were Antibiotics, Saline, and a Button you could push for pain.  We were never told what type of painkiller it was.
In my opinion the recovery room was not pleasant and had a dirty sock smell to it. For the following several nights constant vitals checks, and other things were done during the night.   I left and went home and came back the afternoon of Monday, The 12th with the intensions of spending the night with him.
I was told that because he was in a double room I could not stay even though they knew I wanted to spend the whole recovery with him.  Kelley had received no sleep except for maybe 4 broken hours over the days.  There were also little hurtles to climb during recovery.  To stop receiving a certain anti coagulant, he need to walk a bit: he did, almost a mile.  He still got another shot.  To get solid food he had to show a nurse a solid bowel movement.  He did and finally got crème of wheat, Jell-O, and Ensure.
I stayed that night anyways, and at 10 PM had to go up to a waiting room and sleep on the floor.
At 2AM Tuesday, The 13th He was switched off the pain med morphine, push button and given a 5 MG Vicodin.  I got a hysterical call from Kelley,  He couldn't breath.  When I got to the recovery room A nurse had him on oxygen.  They brought a respiratory doctor in and they did some tested, followed by a EKG and a chest X-Ray.  They revealed nothing and after his oxygen levels were brought back to 93, he slept soundly.
Kelley had become agitated at the constant sleep interruptions and when he awoke in the morning he announced to everyone we were leaving.  Still after this they came in wanting to continue as normal.
It took us several hours to finally get the paperwork done, and we returned home. 
Home at last, whether good or bad it was his choice.  He ate a small amount and slept nearly 13 hours.
Up at 8:30, Breakfast was a piece of French Toast, Juice, and yes, a cup of coffee.  Discomfort standing but ambulatory.
I skipped a few days due to doctors appointments
He's eating well and the discomfort is slowly going away.  We were out and about yesterday and ran errands,  I'm not letting him go into stores dues to the flu running around, as that's all we need right now.  Breakfast today will be corned beef hash and an egg.
That past several days have been quiet.  Kelley has been spending time on projects around the house, but still aware he has to be careful.  Still on the 0 fiber diet and bathroom trips are more regular. Yogurt was the key to getting his shit together, sorry.  The pain is still there but is slowly going away.  We are still waiting for the biopsies to see what the next step will be.
We found out today that it is stage 4 Colon Cancer.  He sees Oncologists next Tuesday for a treatment Plan, which will be Chemo, but we are also going to try a natural way too.  Anyways, the operation was a Right hemicolectomy.  That's where  they take the right side of the colon and remove it. 

It has gotten into other places too, like the Liver and Lungs.
Today the stitches were removed and he is off the low fiber diet.  Food again, yay.
We did discover that the hospital diet immediately after the surgery was sadly lacking, and after using a 5 culture yogurt thing got back to normal almost immediately.  If your facing this challenge once home follow the low fiber diet strictly until the Doctors take you off it.  Remember the yogurt to get things balanced again after the antibiotics have virtually killed off all the good stuff.
He is released to go back to work on a very limited basis, and we'll see how that goes.  All, in, all, things are going well.
My turn to talk.  Thank You, Susan for the kind words

Susan is being a perfect partner and nurse.  I chose wisely 39 years ago.
This is actually Kelley speaking for a change..  I'm sorry we haven't updated you recently, but besides the stitches being removed, it's been a waiting game.  Today the wait was over and we met with the Oncologist Team.
I learned that this is what's called Metastatic Cancer.  It can travel anywhere in you body.

Whether it is 2 months or a year no one wants to be given an expiration date, and I don't remember getting one.. The good news is that no one can predict the future.
It's been 3 months now since that first day we found out.  Since the last post a lot has happened.  Stitches are out and the incision is starting to go away.
Got my port installed and first round of chemo was last week and believe it or not, no side effects at all.  The interesting news is my CEA Level  (Cancer Markers) was 200+ in the first week and now I'm at 3.5 which tells me that things are going well.  0 is no cancer and up to 2.5 can be considered normal.
I don't always trust blood tests so we'll wait and see if it holds steady.
Susan has been giving me something called Essiac Tea (ess-ee-ack)   Look it up on the net.  It seems to be working along with the chemo.
Second round of chemo is Monday,  let's see what happens.
Besides all of this, right now I feel better than I have in years.  Imagine that February 11th, they gave me two months to live.
I started my second stage of chemo, Monday.  Some call this cocktail they are giving me Folfox which is a combo of the following drugs.  Fluorouracil, and Oxailiplatin (look them up).  On Wednesdays I get a two hour, IV, infusion, via and installed port in my chest. The second part is a pump that is attached to the port that I wear home.  That goes continuously for 46 hours.  Then I start the next round, 2 weeks later.
I have found that each time they remove the pump, I get some minor nausea and a few nebulous side effects.  It's almost like a withdrawal, and very strange.
This round was a little harder to take and felt more nausea than the first round.
I'm not saying anything derogatory about what's happening, but if my CEA marker is at 3.5, is it necessary to continue?  I would like to skip a week or two and look at a new CT Scan and check the CEA again.
One wonders when they attach a $3000 bag of drugs to me, what the real motivation is.
Third round of Chemo started yesterday, and it didn't go well. I got the Folfox first, then they started The Avastin second. The side effects were instant. Water eyes, running nose, and nausea. A doctor came in and they gave me a shot of Benadryl. I immediately Vomited violently. They worked on me with another shot and I mellowed out a bit. We tried the Avastin again and after 5 minutes it started all over again. I put a stop to it, and they sent me home with the Folfox pump on. They are not listening to me and I'm getting pissed. All my blood work is perfect and my CEA is 3.1 now.
Going to make some decisions soon.
It been about 6 weeks now and I don't have much news, well I do, but it has to do more with a certain Doctor than anything.  CEA went up to 4.3 , big deal.  My primary care doctor sent me a radiology report saying the mets were nominal.  My Oncologist had a fit that she gave me the report, saying it would give me false hope and now he's giving me 9 months at the most.
Just what I need is Doctor Politics.  I'm trusting my primary care doctor a lot.  She is a cancer survivor.
My Oncologist is in a Fellowship, which to me is he's still learning.  I'm a tad confused as to wanting a trainee dealing with my terminal, as he puts it, disease.  Only a trainee would give me my final notice, as the last CT Scan was a month ago.  How does he know what's going on in there today.  He doesn't.
The way I see it, is that the doctor is reading books telling him how to treat me.  The books are guidlined by the pharmaceutical companies.
So what’s this about chemotherapy (and radiation)? What’s this about using poisonous substances to masquerade as some sort of therapy or treatment, to try to cure a very serious degenerative disease?
Chemotherapy and radiation are very much part of conventional medical protocols to treat cancer today. But they are hideous crimes against humanity, and, one day in the not too distant future, Humankind will look back on these Medical Dark Ages and wonder how such brutal and savage methods could ever have passed off as treatment.
It's all about money!  Why, actually cure cancer when it is so profitable?
We are starting to look at Immunotherapy.

I feel like a mushroom.  They keep me in the dark and feed me shit.  Why not?  I'm terminal. 
3 Days into round 6.  This is different.  Bad cough and uncontrollable sneezing.  See, I also found out my boss and his wife have whooping cough.  I've been exposed to that for over a week before I knew.  My Nurse is very concerned, as am I.
I feel grateful as I haven't experienced the things others have.  Sadly  I'm a bit melancholy tonight, maybe helpless is a better term.
I see it this way:  Mother nature is just getting back at us for destroying the planet. Yeah we have.  The GMO's, pesticides, you know what we have done. 
July 11  I received round 2 Of stage 3. in other words I'm half way there, but I'm going to tell you this has been the worst session yet.  Each one gets a little worse and the side effects last longer.  If the Cancer doesn't kill me, the Chemo will.
I've made a decision!  I'm stopping the Chemo as of this week.  Because I haven't had a CT Scan since March, I have no idea what my remaining cancer cells are doing.  I've been told I can't have a scan for another 2 months.  My blood work is perfect and my CEA (Carcinoembryonic Antigen) is at 3.3.  My Oncologist still insists I'm terminal and I insist I'm in remission.
I'm going to take the chance and treat myself.
My approach is  Essiac Tea 12 oz/day
Apricot Seeds  (B-17)  12 seeds/day  more can be toxic
3 grams of Vitamin C/Day
and  Sheep Sorrel.  going to grow it ourselves
These are all proven cancer killers
Yeap, it's a risk, but this time it's my risk.  I'll be keeping the Chemo Port, (slim 6 Fr Bard power port) It's a Tunneled Inserted Central Venous Device.  It will be flushed once a month and I'm ordering blood tests on that same day.
Kids, Susan and I have done our homework.  We're going to beat it.
Still feeling side effects even though the chemo has been gone 3 weeks.  I hope they aren't permanent.  Besides that, doing well, considering the Doc gave me two months, four months ago.

Mistake to stop Chemo
The liver mets have expanded, and I'm on borrowed time.   Will restart chemo 10/17, as I have no other choice.  Going to give it one more try. 
Actually my Doctors are clueless, and when I ask for alternatives, they say there are none.  They are wrong, and in the time I have left, I will work to find a way out of this.  It's not for me!  More for those of you that have gone through much worse, than I have.  At 71, I'm at peace with this.  For those of you in your 20's and 30's, and 40's, and 50's.
To the last, I grapple with thee; From Hell's heart, I stab at thee; For hate's sake, I spit my last breath at thee.
 Herman Melville
Hang in there friends, and kick ass.
Things changed today as I talked to My Doctor.  He became more passionate, and got more personal.  I relaxed and listened.  I'm back on Chemo, hoping that it might work, but I was also introduced to a wonderful Doctor, who is at UW Health.  She asked if I was interested in clinical trials.  I said yes.
So I'm back on Folfox, and will try everything.
Besides all the decisions, I feel great.

It's going on a year now.  I have a new Doctor, and still doing Chemo, still working, and still standing.  That's a good thing.  The side effects of Chemo get worse with every treatment, but it's still bearable.  You can look at it, as what choice do I have.  I've signed on for another year of work.  Why?  Personally I think hard work. kills Cancer.  Those little cancer dudes are lazy.  Make them work, and nobody gets a free ride in this body.  First goal is February 10, 2019.  One year with Cancer.  Next goal is 2020, the same date.  By that time I hope we have a new President, and moving towards a better world.  It's not about me, it's about, curing all Cancers.  We can all do it together.

Stop using foods with GMO's, pesticides, weed killers, filter your water and eliminate stress.
These things will kill you!
Stand up against the terrorists called Pharmaceuticals and The Chemical Companies.
Cancer is the cash cow of most hospitals.  Without cancer treatment, I would think, most Hospitals would have to close their doors.  Funny isn't it, that some people are willing to kill us to make money!
Mother nature has decided to discard some of us.  Then some of us aren't going to take that scenario. 
I'm going to survive this.  I'll fight to the end, I'm stronger.  Stand back Ms. Nature,  as you have no idea who you are dealing with.
I feel a little better now.  Thanks for Listening.

My Motto:

The day you stop fearing death, is the day you start enjoying life!